The Nasty Parrot
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the Chicken did?"
Here's one that will make you think...... (As bizarre as this sound it is true!!!!!)
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS
president, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his
despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had
been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some
building workers, proving that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. "Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but that his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands." An elderly man and his wife occupied the room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, since it was a mystery that the gun was loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threatenly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the bizarre twist. Future investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the lack of support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. Very tidy of him. (A true story from Associated Press, by Kurt Westervelt)
Nymphomania
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really, " he said, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little un-comfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay
containing the following elements:
1. Religion 2. Royalty 3. Sex 4. Mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
They're Finally Together
Maria is a devoted, religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Subject: "Thingie"
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his "thingie." So, he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his 'thingie,' which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the 'thingie' sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world." The other lady asked what she meant.
She replied, "When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too damned old to squat.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
These are the TOP 10 Marketing slogans for Viagra (stolen from other
products)
10) Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
9) Viagra, One-a-day...like iron
8) Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
7) Viagra, Home of the Whopper
6) Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em
5) Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4) Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
3) Viagra, Ten inches long....and growing
2) Viagra, We work harder so you don't have to
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1) This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs!!! Any
questions???
Did you know that 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result: 12,345,678,987,654,321?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons
And forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?