OOOOPS!

True Story at Denver Airport

A crowded United airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes his way to the front of the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. And, I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly so the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please." she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at gate 14. WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "FUCK YOU". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

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Poor Girl!


If she was smart enough to be at Harvard, one would like to think she wouldn't be this stupid! This actually happened at Harvard University in October of last year.
In a biology class, the Prof. was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A freshman raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"
"That's correct," responded the Prof., going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class...and was never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the Prof.'s reply was classic...
Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.

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How Vasaline Can Improve Your Sex Life!


A market researcher's knock on the front door of a suburban house is answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. "May I ask you a few questions?" he inquires, and when she agrees, he asks, "Are you familiar with my company, Cheeseborough-Ponds?" "I don't think so," the woman replies. "We make Vaseline," he says. "I'm sure you've heard of it." "Oh yes," the woman agrees. "And do you ever use it?" "Yes." "Do you mind if I ask how?" Somewhat sheepishly, the woman says, "To improve sexual intercourse."

The interviewer is taken aback. "We know that many people use Vaseline during sex, but very few ever admit it. Since you've been so frank, would you mind telling me exactly how you use it to improve sex?" "Sure," the woman says. "We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

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Subject: Radio Game Show
(This is Hilarious!)

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down –

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.


( 3 minutes of commercials follows )


DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah, "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work"

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer, please?"

Sarah: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."


(long, long pause)


DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors..."